Sometimes right after I release something, I need time to wind down. I need to do other things. Sometimes, though, I just start digging in to something else. I’m currently writing a new tale, which is tentatively titled #iHunt Tacos. This will not be the final name of the book. I just don’t have a better name for it yet.
Anyway, I’m in the word mines, typing away. I wanted to share with you the first little bit of the book. The intro, if you will.
Vampires have this great speech. It’s all about how they’re the top of the food chain. How they’re apex predators. Perfect hunters. I’m pretty sure this speech is part of vampire nature, like it’s passed down through vampire genetics or something, because they use it for all applications. If they want to scare you, they use the vampires are apex predators speech. If they want to seduce you, they use the vampires are apex predators speech. If they don’t want to pay for their drinks, they use the vampires are apex predators speech. It’s really cliche, but when delivered right, it’s downright fucking hilarious.
It’s also total fucking bullshit. Vampires aren’t the top of the food chain. I hunt vampires. The food chain analogy breaks down because I don’t exactly eat them when I kill them. But I do get money for it, which I use to buy food. Mostly tacos. That’s right. I, Lana, kill vampires for tacos. And cocaine. But the cocaine makes me better at killing vampires. Which means more tacos. I think that technically puts vampires at the same place on the food chain as tacos.
Tonight’s surveillance, though. That’s like the foreplay before the killing vampires for taco and cocaine money. I’m watching vampires. Part of killing vampires means watching them. It’s pretty exciting when you’re first starting out as a hunter. They do a lot of the sexy, thrilling TV vampire stuff. They go to nightclubs. They do the intense eyes thing and seduce breathless young adults with whispered promises of “eternity.” So yeah, it’s thrilling at first. Then you realize that nightclubs are filthy. The intense eye thing is totally rapey. Most of us aren’t sure we’re not gonna die in a nuclear holocaust before 2018’s up, let alone eternity. And spending eight hours watching some asshole so you can find the best thirty seconds to kill him gets real fucking monotonous, real fucking quick.
Cocaine doesn’t even help with stakeout boredom—If you do coke on a stakeout, you’re buzzing hard the entire time and want to do pretty much anything but sit still for hours on end. Usually you end up giving up on the stakeout and doing something stupid. I, personally, prefer methylphenidate for stakeouts. Popularly known as Ritalin, methylphenidate kicks the nervous system into gear and keeps it there for a few hours. When medicating for the hunt, you have to consider the side effects. Everything effects everyone differently. Methylphenidate makes me want to talk. Since I usually work alone, the conversation’s not too great. Sometimes I’ll talk to a digital recorder. Sometimes I’ll put a random horror movie on Netflix. It’s kind of surreal to watch horror movies as a monster hunter. Monster hunters take the “don’t go down into that basement” phenomenon to a whole different level. It’s not surreal because you think you could do better than the teens being slaughtered—you know you can. It’s more that you know how random strangers are going to behave when confronted with monsters, and it’s never like in the movies.
I’m rambling. Methylphenidate will do that.